The danger of just talking
Posted By richards on October 4, 2014
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Its out of my mouth before I know Ive said it. Only right afterward do I recognize the feeling of giving in to the urge to say something I shouldnt, something that is mean, judgmental or just not mine to tell. When I hear my husband or a friend repeating what I shouldnt have said, I protest: No, no, I was just talking. I didnt mean it.
Torah cautions the children of Israel in Leviticus 19:16 not to be tale-bearers. Talmud considers lashon harah, which means evil tongue and refers to gossip or slander, to be as bad as murder, adultery and idol worship combined. Speaking negatively of others even when what you say is true or listening to someone else speak negatively without protesting is a sure way to lose your place in the olam habah, the world to come.
If you dont have something nice to say, come sit by me is not what Jewish educators call the Jewish Way. Its good to be reminded of this as we engage in self-reflection during the High Holy Days.
Rabbi Gabriel Botnick of Temple Aliyah in Woodland Hills likes to tell the Chasidic tale about a man asking his rabbi how to repair damage caused by malicious gossip. The rabbi tells the man to take a pillow up on the roof, shake out all the feathers and then gather them all in again. Like the feathers, words let loose cant be called back. (Some rabbis teach that, to be on the safe side, we shouldnt talk about other people at all.)
Words are powerful in Jewish thinking. The world itself was created with them. The Targum Jonathan (an Aramaic translation of Torah) calls the very breath that made the first human come alive a speaking spirit. We have a holy book and a holy language. Discussion, between study partners or over centuries, is at the heart of our spiritual practice. Vows of silence are rare in Jewish tradition.
In the ultra-Orthodox world, where children learn to be very careful about lashon harah, this can create confusion about telling. Is it OK to report a bully? Someone in power being inappropriate? In more liberal circles, there is a caution about who can use what language. Some words are off-limits for some people. All denominations recognize the power of words and struggle with how to use them for good.
So how am I supposed to know when I am using them for good? My hunger to be in the know, whether its mean, judgmental or just the urge to share a good story, often sweeps right over my urge to be kind, modest or temperate.
The 19th-century Lithuanian rabbi Israel Meir Kagan, known as the Chofetz Chaim, Hebrew for desires life as in the words from Psalm 34: Who is the person who desires life and loves days that he may see the good? Guard your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit made a career of writing about issues of lashon harah.
What if you are forced to do it? What if you will lose money if you dont do it? What if you feel really, really certain someone will benefit from hearing what you have to say?
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