Jewish American Heritage Month

Posted By admin on June 29, 2017

Astronomy involves the study of planets, and it is a lot easier to pursue when you know the planets names. The Torah does not offer individual monikers for each of the celestial bodies that comprise our solar system, but in the secular world, planetary names were created many moons ago based on Roman and Greek mythology. After thousands of years, such names (at least in the scientific community) have become accepted universally.

Of course, the commonly-used names for the planets are not Jewish names. (In fact, the only space-related term that is remotely Jewish is supernova, which refers to an exploding star but sounds more like a gigantic piece of lox). So, the question is: how would the Jews of today name the planets?

For the record, the Talmud actually offers alternative names for some of the planets. The Babylonian Talmud, at Shabbas 156a, indicates that Mercury is Kokhav, (star), Venus is Nogah, (light), Mars is Maadim (red), Jupiter is Tzedek (justice) and Saturn is Shabbtai, (the Sabbath, i.e., the seventh day of the week, because in Talmudic times Saturn was considered the seventh planet). The Talmud does not specifically refer to Uranus, Neptune or Pluto because they were not discovered until after the Talmudic era. Naturally, there are other things in life that were not discovered until after the Talmudic era and thus are not mentioned in the Talmud, including Titanium, Pterodactyls and Teletubbies.

When Uranus and Neptune were discovered, the scientific community decided that, for consistency, they too should have names based on Roman and Greek mythology. Some scientists, however, wanted to give these new planets unique names (true) like Casper the Friendly Planet, Planet of the Apes and Planet Hollywood (not true). More recently, the Academy for Hebrew Language created Hebrew names for Neptune (Rahav, based on a biblical sea creature) and Uranus (Oron, which means small light). If Israeli scientists exploring other galaxies discover a new sun, i.e., a new super star, they should consider naming it Gal Gadot.

When Pluto was discovered, there also was some debate about its name. As legend has it, the name Pluto was suggested by an 11-year-old girl from Oxford, England (true) and Pluto was chosen over names like Mickey, Donald and Goofy (not true). More recently, Pluto was demoted to the category of dwarf planet because it is too small to be considered a full-blown planet. The Disney character named Pluto was created after the planet was named Pluto, but if tiny Pluto is a now considered a mini-planet, then why not maintain the Disney connection by renaming it Minnie?

There certainly are other ways to name the planets in our solar system, especially if the goal is to give them a more Jewish/Yiddish flavor. Let me give you an example. Mercury is the planet closest to the sun, which necessarily means that its average temperature is even hotter than summertime in Phoenix or Miami. Jews in these blazing cities seem to enjoy living in a perpetual sauna or steam room, so if they were living on ridiculously hot Mercury, they probably would refer to it as Planet Shvitz.

Lets try renaming another planet. How about Jupiter? Wait, thats way too easy. The answer, of course, is Jewpiter. Next!

Venus is a planet associated with beauty so we can keep it simple by calling it Planet Sheyna Punim.

Mars is known for its reddish hue and, based on Roman and Greek mythology, is associated with war and strife. Guess what? There is a Yiddish word that literally means fuss or disturbance and also refers to a stew with a somewhat reddish hue. Thus, the ideal Yiddish name for Mars is Planet Tsimmes.

Saturn is arguably the blingiest planet because of all of its rings. Indeed, Saturn has more rings than Michael Jordan (but fewer than the phones at a successful telethon). Given the amount of jewelry that Saturn is constantly wearing, an appropriate name for the planet would be Planet Tsatskeleh, i.e., Planet Fancy Schmancy.

Neptune typically is associated with the sea because it is blue. Of course, when a person is blue, it means that the individual is feeling sad due to some troubles, aggravation or other unpleasant events. Based on this interpretation of blueness, a possibly proper name for Neptune is Planet Tzuris.

Diminutive Pluto, as noted above, was demoted to a dwarf planet, so perhaps it should be referred to as Planet Bisele, i.e., Planet Pipsqueak.

In the secular world, our lovely planet often is referred to as Mother Earth, which is appropriate because her bountiful natural resources have sustained her inhabitants for thousands of years. It therefore might make sense to refer to Earth as Planet Balebusta.

Bottom-line: When secretive astronomers refuse to answer questions about new astronomical sightings, they need to respond very carefully because no comment could easily sound like no comet, which, in this context, is a comment.

By Jon Kranz

More:

Astronomical Appellations - Jewish Link of New Jersey

Category: Talmud
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